You think that you’ve conquered your demons and demolished your fears till you’re faced with something similar (not nearly as terrifying) as these fears and you watch your mind go bonkers as you react in the way you know that you shouldn’t and because you’re unhappy with your reaction, you suppress it and fight it while telling yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling this way. You know better.
But it doesn’t go away.
You fight harder and harder till it’s almost frustrating.
Didn’t you win this battle before?
Why does it feel like you’re starting from scratch?
Or maybe you didn’t conquer your fears in the way that you thought you did.
It’s discouraging if we’re being honest.
I get it. For real.
In the past two weeks, I’ve been in a hard place mentally and it’s caused me to do a lot of thinking.
I’ve had to struggle with fears and feelings I was sure that I had overcome in the past.
This is something I speak to people about because of how much I’ve mastered it but yet, this past week I struggled and it was confusing for me. I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
I wondered what it was that I was doing wrong.
I did all that I knew to do and for some reason, it wasn’t going away.
It started to bother me.
In the past, I was in this situation for lack of knowledge but what do you do when what you know to do doesn’t seem to be working anymore?
I honestly haven’t hacked it. When the Holy Spirit whispered in my heart to write about this, I remember saying to him “But I haven’t figured this thing out yet”
I normally make it a habit not to write about anything I’m not sure of – Not to talk about (or share) a thing till I’m over it and have dealt with it.
But he said to me that this is the point.
Sometimes, we get too far up in our heads and we want to have everything figured out.
We want to have all the answers and always be strong.
But if there’s anything that this is teaching me, it’s to cut myself some slack.
I’m learning to treat myself with grace.
To understand that he’s teaching me even when it doesn’t feel like I’m learning.
To understand that there is a hack and if anyone knows it, it’s him.
So I’m releasing the pressure I put on myself and replacing it with some grace instead.
The resurfacing of an issue isn’t for lack of defeat. It’s life testing us to see how resolute our resolve is.
So when next it shows up, don’t think “I have failed at this” or “What did I do wrong”
Don’t even think “I’m bigger than this” or feel smaller and weak because it’s happening again.
Instead remind yourself that you have defeated this before, so you can defeat it yet again. You will win this fight.
Don’t dwell on it.
Fight the urge to let it overwhelm you.
Dig deep but don’t get buried.
And then fight.
You’ve got this.
At least, I think so.
I’ll let you know how my battle goes.