Elephant in the room
There’s this sadness, it’s like someone heavy is sitting on your chest and your lungs play this funny game of hide and seek were it feels like your breath is periodically missing.
There is an elephant in the room of your heart and it’s not letting you breathe until you address it😭
It’s hard if we’re being honest when you realize that you’re probably not as hurt as you’re making it seem.
Relax. Don’t stop reading yet.
This is not an attack.
But yes, sometimes (you might not even know it) we tend to want to be the better person, the one absolved of all guilt and fault.
We let our pain warp our interpretation of events and our conclusion of memories that we suit them to fit our intentions.
You’re the one that was wronged.
Your hurt is more valid than the next.
The whole world is against you
And to be honest, I get it.
This is me too sometimes.
But I know better now.
I know that there are times when someone really hurts me and they’re the ones completely at fault.
I also know that sometimes I’m mean and unintentionally spiteful without knowing but I don’t see it because of how hurt I am.
So there was this one time, I was really hurt because of something that had happened and I sat on my bed stewing over it, ranting and crying and the Holy Spirit asked me “Why are you crying”
I thought it was a stupid question because duh. I’m hurt. This thing pained me and that’s what I’ve been telling you since.
But on closer inspection, it turns out somewhere deep down, I knew I had messed up too but I couldn’t care less because it was justified by the hurt that I was feeling.
It is popularly said that hurt people hurt people and logically, this makes sense.
But as someone who has been called to a higher standard, it shouldn’t be your reality.
So here’s what I do now when something happens that gets me worked up.
I take a breather.
I search my heart.
Why am I crying?
Why does this hurt?
Sometimes I’m too angry to process my thoughts so I hold my tongue and I excuse myself.
Much later, when I’ve had time to process and think, if I realize that I might have messed up in any way, I apologize. I don’t demand forgiveness but I ask for it knowing that it’s their choice and at their pace.
I also understand that although I deserve an apology too, not everybody would be able to give it. So I forgive anyway.
This is what maturity looks like.
Knowing that you’re not always right and being able to see and accept it when you’re wrong.
Understanding that striving for being the better person makes you do the right things with the wrong motives, because at the root of that action isn’t love but competition.
So let’s dump the idea of trying to be the better person.
Instead, let’s love truly and if we are being honest, loving for what it really is, can be hard.
I know you’re hurt and it seems unfair.
I know you deserve that apology that may never come.
I know you don’t think you have any business apologizing.
Your hurt is valid.
But if hurt people hurt people then you’re a victim of someone else’s hurt, why create more victims?
So forgive yourself.
And move on.
Not just for your sake,
But for his sake.
And breathe. Please.
Let that elephant out.