THIS THING CALLED FORGIVENESS
I almost did not write this post so the very fact that it’s here is proof that you need to read this.
So let’s talk about Forgiveness.
First things first, forgiveness is a daily decision.
Yes, there would be times when it’ll happen in an instant and your heart feels free and light but then there would be other times, when you would constantly choose to forgive, those times when it’s staring you in your face so much that even when you close your eyes, you can still see it, in times like those, you choose every second and every minute of every day to forgive.
This is the forgiveness I want to talk about today.
The kind that the hurt sticks to your throat like a fish bone lodged in the wrong area.
The kind that threatens to cease your breath and hold it hostage that the very thought of it makes your chest ache.
The kind of hurt that you don’t want to let go because you feel it’s too easy a sentence to just let it go.
The kind that you know, the person is not sorry and probably never would be.
This kind of hurt that threatens to swallow you whole is the very kind that you need to release the most.
For someone who feels things as deeply as I do, I’ve had my fair share of betrayals and emotional trauma but there’s one in my very recent past that shook me to my very core.
I struggled so hard to get it out of my mind. For weeks, I’ll have nightmares on end and wake up screaming and crying.
My heart felt like lead in my chest. It was so heavy.
It was something I was forced to face unwillingly and so Everytime I was confronted or ran into said people, I would feel my heart twist up in my chest and tears fill my eyes.
I wanted to run away from it, to pretend like it wasn’t affecting me but Abba wasn’t having it.
“Pray for them”
The Holy Spirit told me one night as I was crying.
I pretended like I didn’t hear and so he said it again, this time loudly.
The movie I was watching suddenly lost its appeal. I was tired but what did I have to lose.
So that night, I prayed. Quite grudgingly if I might add. As I prayed good things from my heart out loud, my chest hurt a lot.
I didn’t want to. For the first time, I wasn’t hoping for answered prayers and I felt like a horrible person for even thinking this, but it was true.
I struggled and I prayed and nothing happened. I didn’t feel lighter, or better just sore but somehow, deep in my heart, I knew I had done the right thing and so I went to bed.
The next morning as I woke up to pray, the Holy Spirit dropped their names in my heart again and asked me to pray.
And I did again.
For almost a week, I prayed. Mornings and evenings. I added these names to my daily prayers and sometimes I would cry so hard till my throat was sore. Sometimes, I would fall asleep muttering prayers. But I did it.
There were days when I would get a word of knowledge about said people or get a nudging to pray in a certain direction and I would.
Eventually, it got easier.
I would pray without tears in my eyes and hurt in my chest.
My heart had changed.
I started looking out for signs of some of the things I prayed for and would rejoice when I saw it manifest.
My heart became lighter.
I felt freer.
But it all started with a decision. A decision to forgive, to realease the hurt, resentment, bitterness and all the pain that came with it.
Understanding that God loves me enough to forgive me so who am I to withhold forgiveness from another person.
And I know that you know these things.
And if you’re like me, you’ll say to yourself but Jesus didn’t take weeks on the cross to forgive his accusers and yes, that’s true.
But I’ve come to understand that every forgiveness story won’t look like that.
Some will come easier than others.
And that decision you’ve made to forgive might not reflect in your heart in the same moment you say it out loud.
Your mind and heart will wage war with this decision you have made. But that fine too.
Make that decision.
Decide to forgive.
Then do it everyday till your heart recognizes it.
Unclench your fists.
Set yourself free.
For Jesus sake.